So, Chris has been home for the past two weeks and yesterday he found out that his grandmother was very ill and in the hospital. He flew out there to be with his family and will be gone for the last four days of his deployment. This change of events has thrown me for a loop and I'm having a really hard time with him leaving yesterday and then leaving for good Thursday. After being short with him on the phone for two days I realized why I was angry. I'm angry with him and the situation because I feel like he has a fulfilling career that he loves and then comes home to a fulfilling home life. Meanwhile I have been doing the exact same emotionally challenging thing for almost 15 years. For example, today Sam announced to me that he had pooped in the bathtub, which was followed by, "Mom I didn't pee on your couch." Which is two year old lingo for not only did I pee on your couch I'm finger painting with it. Oh, and did I mention why he was in the tub in the first place? He had taken a Sharpe marker to himself while I was doing laundry. I could now insert all the horrible things my children do on a daily basis that makes me want to just walk away and live in Tibet.
So on to my question..I'm having a really hard time finding personal fulfillment in my life and need to know what some of you do. I love my children and am grateful that they are smart, healthy and know they are loved, however that doesn't really equal or contribute to me feeling personally fulfilled. The kicker is that I have structured my life in such a way that my children and husband have a great life with all the attention I can give them, and through no fault of theirs I feel like I'm sinking. For heaven sakes I make my kids a homemade snack every day for when they come home from school; today they're having banana chocolate chip muffins in the shape of stars. I do this because I want them to look back on their childhood and know that they were loved by their mom and the hard work they do at school is important and appreciated. Sadly loving them isn't fulfilling me.
I have thought about going back to work, but keep coming back to the commitment I made to them when they were born that I would do what ever I could to be home with them. I have also thought about leaving at night to do something, but is it really fair for Lily to be mom on a more regular basis than she is right now? I have also thought about going back to school and finishing my last 6 hours, but I don't see myself finding fulfillment in college algebra or statistics (I know I shouldn't have put off those classes till the end).
What I want is to have personal accomplishments that have nothing to do with my kids or husband. When I was going to the U of U I presented research at a national conference and was asked to present the same research at Parsons School for Design in NYC. For those of you that watch Project Runway Parsons is where they whip up their outfits. That was a wonderful time in my life, sadly, Leia would cry for hours if I picked up my backpack to do homework or leave for school. This is part of the reason I haven't gone back. I know I'm a very driven person in what ever I do and will neglect my family unless they are the purpose of my attention.
Anyway...This post is far more personal then many of you expected but I thought instead of feeling like I was going to throw up any longer today I have emotionally vomited on you my loyal following. (thanks colleen) Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.
Oh, and I have to say thanks again to Cami for bringing me dinner last night. What would I do without you, and what would Leia do without Ian ;)
PS and do any of you ever feel guilt when you question your seemingly "crappy," lives. I always complain to myself then think at least I'm not wearing a Burka, my husband isn't cheating on me and my children have never been arrested.
12 comments:
I go through phases in the "personal fulfillment" department. You're in kind of a crappy, emotionally charged situation right now, so I wouldn't go making any major, life-changing decisions, but just find something that makes you happy. Even just something small.
And remember all your totally awesome friends that are happy to help you escape now and again. :)
I feel like that sometimes also! You will pull it together it seems you always do! It sounds like you are a great mom and I know your kids appreciate you. I wish I had some info to give you, but I can't even help myself. So when you do something that gives you self fullfillment post about it so I can try it out!
I would love to go out for a ladies night so if you ever feel like one call me!!! I really am bored daily.
hey burg,
we all have times in our lives like that. i have found hobbies are my favorite way to "escape" or get fullfillment that isn't kid related. decorating, rearanging, or painting furniture makes me happy, so does sewing...but so does going for walks and excersising...there are many things you just have to dabble a little into everything just to see if it clicks. seriously i miss you! i'm going to be up soon so maybe we can hang again?! you need to call me because i lost my cell phone and now i have a different one (with the same #) but i don't have yours...or you can call me at home.
i went through the same thing with jake leaving this time. it's seems to of been harder this time around. but good thing is that we have less left than we've already done...we just have to survive the holidays!
i think we need to have girls nights more often (but not so much that your children have to parent themselves)! sheldon left 2 weeks ago & i still can't get out of my funk, so don't feel bad. also, i'm really sorry about your hubby's family-i hope everything works out for the best.
Burg,
Everyone has their highs and lows, sadly that is what life is about. On the other hand it is what helps us to be so much more grateful when we are up and can see the different perspective of things.
I like the ideas 'v and co.' gave. I would also read Pres. Uchdorf's talk from the RS broadcast. It was amazing. He talks about 2 keys to God's happiness... creating and being compassionate.
Here is a link.http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-947-37,00.html
I hope that helps. You will be in my prayers and I hope things turn around quickly for you. ((HUGS))
I agree with vanessa: hobbies help a lot. While DH is gone I've been concentrating on accomplishing goals. I did have to sit down and think about things I wanted to do, and I'm constantly adding to the list, but whenever I finish a goal or make significant progress on one, I feel such a sense of accomplishment. Raising children is very fulfilling, but sometimes we need to do things for ourselves so that we are as well-rounded as we can be.
I have gotten better at being easy on myself more. Not expecting everything to be great all the time, giving myself days off, knowing that the world won't end if we have pasta for dinner one more night.
I know that I feel better about life when I am taking care of myself first. Exercising, eating, sleeping, reading, watching TV, talking to friends and family. I don't do all those things everyday, but I try to do something for myself everyday.
I'm still trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I have two years until my kids will all be in school all day. I'm sure I will need something to fill that time and fill myself.
I do recommend being easy on yourself though. You are going through a lot of change so allow things to flow right now, you don't have to force it. It takes time to get used to things. It will come though. Maybe just daydream for right now, you don't have to make any decisions.
I am loving my life right now, but it hasn't always been that way. It gets so much easier when you are feeling emotionally strong and when you don't have a kid marking the furniture. Be easy.
I am so sorry that you are going through this phase in your life, I often feel the same way. I have found that my love for running, playing the piano, and decorating tend to get me out of those funks. So my advice would be do something you love, find a hobby that you enjoy.
I am so sorry about Chris' grandma and that he had to leave early. I hope you had fun with him while he was here.
We shoudl get together, lets go to a movie, dinner or something. Whenever you need a night away I am happy to babysit so your daughter does not have to, I would love that.
I hope you have a better day.
HOW SUCKY!!!! Gaga's sick (best banana bread in the world), Chris is gone (best pseudo-big brother in the world) and our country is about to be turned into socialist Europe. I'd say there's reason to be bummed. I spent most of the spring and summer in a funk too. I'm finally crawling out of it, I think.
We'll keep you all in our prayers. Sometimes when I'm feeling crappy, I like to look at this girl's blog I don't know her at all (my friend does), but she's really positive and I enjoy it. www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com
Hi, I hope you don't mind that I snuck on to your blog and am now leaving you a super long comment! But I could see alot of myself in what you are saying. This is something that helps me to think about:
I once read an article in the Ensign about Emmaline B. Wells. She was one of the general relief society presidents of the church. She was abandoned by her 1st husband, lost her second to death and married for a third time. She raised 5 children. And spent some of her time supporting her family on her own as a teacher. After she raised her family she became involved in women's sufferage and started a newspaper called the Women's Exponent. Then she served as the RS president.
Anyway........... what I learned from her life is that there are MANY phases in life and most of us are lucky enough to pass through all of them. I know you will NEVER regret that you put all of yourself into raising your family and making them feel loved and cared for during this phase of life. Looking back on your efforts will be and can even now be fulfilling to you. And I believe that the time will come for you to pursue other things that will be equally fulfilling later. I always think of this article when I need to get some perspective. She worked as hard as she could in each phase of her life and ended up having a successful and productive life and made a difference in many ways.
Hang in there! And be happy about what you are doing and the difference you are making. It is significant.
Oh Burg-
I sure miss you! It's so funny, I'm here in Theater with the guys and wishing I were home and doing exactly what you're doing! ;) Someday when we get to start our family...don't feel bad, I get bummed about my life here in the Army too, I think those are just ways of remembering our family, friends and blessings - oh, and most of the guys are exactly feelinf 'fulfilled' like we would think - they miss their wives and being home doing 'normal' things, I promise! (And they are sure glad we don't wear burkhas!) I miss feeling and looking like a girl...I have no normal estrogen!
Love you! Hopefully you'll get to squeeze in some girls' nights when we get back - I'll be game for sure!
Did I ever mention I have the best friends in the world!!! I love you girls. Thanks for the support.
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